Bye Bye Birdie

One of you intelligent hooman fans gave me advice on the Facebook to use the Google to get suggestions on how to get rid of the bird in my computer that I mentioned in my last blog. I have done that and I am going to share with you all some of my findings.

First, I used the phrase, “How to get a bird out of my computer screen.” I got the following suggestions:

1. Hold the Escape key to evict it. (WHAT? This is just ridiculous. I know Al was involved in that solution.)

2. Dim the room lights, open an exterior door or window, and gently herd it outside. (Okay, I am not a Border Collie. Bettie does not “herd.” Bettie pounces and captures.)

3. Do not squish it. Never press down hard on the screen to kill it. This will permanently crush it into the screen matrix, leaving a dark spot or smear that cannot be cleaned. (Well duh! That is just a gross. I am not inhumane! Come on Al, you can do better than this.)

4. Turn the screen off. Power down the monitor completely. This removes the heat and light that is attracting the bird. (This makes actual sense and seems like we are on the right path now.)

5. Lure it out. Place feed somewhere or something enticing and when the bird gets hungry it will go for it. (Again, another sensible idea. Al must have gotten it together finally. I wonder if the bird would like some of my wetsies.)

6. Use gentle taps. Turn the monitor off, tilt the screen at an angle and tap the frame gently. Gravity may help get the bird out. (As I do not have hands, I do not see me tilting anything or gently tapping. I am not gentle with anything really.)

Since these suggestions seemed so ridiculous or impossible to me, I then used the Google and put in the phrase, “How to get a bird out of my computer.” This yielded the following suggestion: shut down the PC and monitor, turn off the lights, and open a single exterior door or window. The bird will naturally fly toward the light and exit the room.

The steps to do this are as follows:

1. Remove immediate hazards. Turn off any ceiling fans and escort pets out of the room to keep both the bird and your animals safe. (We have no ceiling fans and I am the only pet on the loose around this place.)

2. Darken the room. Close the blinds on all windows except for the one you want the bird to use as an exit. Turn off all of the indoor lights. (As we have no blinds, it will be hard to block the window light but that bearded doctor hooman shuts off the inside lights all of the time. I will lie in wait for him to do this.)

3. Open an exit path. Open a window or an exterior door all the way. Because birds are drawn to daylight, the open exit will act as their natural escape route. (Hmmmm, how to achieve this? These options do not seem to be designed for a cat, let alone one with three legs.)

4. Be patient. Leave the room quietly for 15 to 20 minutes to let the bird calm down and find its way out without feeling chased. (Patience is not a virtue of mine and, in this place, quiet does not happen.)

5. Gently herd, if necessary. If the bird gets out and is stuck in a corner and will not leave, hold a large towel or bedsheet in front of you. Move slowly behind the bird and use the sheet to gently guide it toward the open window or door. (Again with the herding Al, you have got the wrong girl for this!)

Well, I think Al got it mostly right the second time around. However, I have concluded that I am obviously going to have to enlist one of those worker hoomans to help me with all of this. I know that I will not choose the one with the fancy jaws in her hair. I watched her and the front desk hooman (when she was still here, I am still bitter over her desertion) try and catch a bird that had gotten the clinic. It was quite comical. They obviously did not use the Google on that one. I saw a lot of swatting and heard a lot of screaming. They did eventually open the front door and it flew out just like the Google advises. Too bad they missed the rest of the suggestions. I think for this task I will enlist the one I like best. She seems like she would be the right person to help with this job.

Bettie